INSPI(RED)

Although we’re in two different worlds now and haven’t truly spent time together since the summer, it’s good to know that ate Melorie and cougs are still the awesome, amazing people that I’ve come to know. Eating adventures, karaoke, and just good times with some of my closest friends for my Black Friday, and the memories and laughs shared were worth more than anything you could have bought at the mall.

Just had my first advising appointment as a community health student, and I’m feeling pretty good. I’ll be able to graduate on time and I still have options for career choices. Now it’s all a matter of putting my own effort into finally figuring out what’s right for me.

Nearly 3 semesters left in my college career. Approaching the home stretch, and quite honestly, it’s pretty exciting (but I’m sure my sentiments will change tomorrow and I’ll start freaking out again haha)

… all of these different Mapaye’s. But where is the real Mapaye?

Sophomore, 19 years old. A year of self-discovery and awareness. In terms of personal development, I grew exponentially. I became comfortable with who I am. I knew who I was. I knew who I was.

Junior, 20 years old. I came into the year more confident in myself than ever before. After a successful year of finding out just who I was, these next 12 months were for building further upon the foundation. With new direction and focus, it sounded simple enough, right? Wrong. Just like that and it all falls down.

Remember 19-year-old sophomore Mapaye? Yeah, throw any recollection you have of him out the window. The foundation that he made? 20-year-old junior Mapaye destroyed all of that, with the help of all the other Mapaye’s. New direction, new foundation, new focus. All the wrong kind. These new Mapaye’s diminished everything that was good and true about the old one and became something completely different.

Rude, critical, and downright mean. Someone who was once caring but now could care less and takes people for granted. People that at one point meant the world to him now seem as if they mean nothing at all. And the worst part about it all? That 19-year-old sophomore Mapaye is just watching from afar.

He sees theses changes and how far this so called Mapaye has fallen, yet refuses to do anything about it. He just accepts it and continues to let this new Mapaye run amok. All these different Mapaye’s, old and new. Bring them all together and you get the complete Mapaye, lost and confused. Once headed in the right direction but is now straying off the path and into the corrupt wilderness. He’s trying to find his way back but the thing is that he’s on this journey called life, and life doesn’t have a map that you can follow. The only thing that can help him is himself. And yet with all these internal conflicts, that seems to be the hardest thing in the world right now.

I haven’t felt this lost in a long time. I don’t know who I am anymore, and I don’t even know who to run and talk to about it all. It’s funny. I actually realized this at beginning of the semester when it all started, and yet it’s only coming out now. Internalized until it got out of hand.

Maybe I’m just overreacting, maybe I’m just making a big deal out of nothing. Or maybe I’m just facing the truth.

It’s funny how humbling birthdays can be.

A Pacquiao win, cupcakes, spam musubi, and just spending time with my friends. That’s all I could really ask for.

Shout outs to my adings, kuyas, and some of my closest friends to making this birthday awesome. I’m so thankful to have all these amazing, wonderful people in my life.

20 years old. No longer a teenager. It’s the final countdown. T-minus 364 days.

11:11 PM